Someone tell me, who took you away from me?

It's amazing... now that I realize that I've only been able to write with my negative personality in this blog. So... on with the thing.


Hey, if you're reading this, I'm surprised but happy xD see I doubt it.

Anyways, why the heck am I updating everyday if there's no one reading? Oh well! too bad then!


Today, well, no actually, for a few days ago. I lost my best friend. Sure, he's physically still alive in this world. But to me. The real him, the one I loved, is no longer there. What happened to the pointless person, that would be there for me whenever I needed him? My best friend, the one I loved so much, only to come and break my heart. Why have you thrown your caring old self into the trash? Didn't we tell you a million times now that we missed the old you? Can't you at least grant me one wish and bring the old you back? I'll never have another reason to live again.

Thanks a lot.

For stealing my heart for me

And I know it sounds stupid, but I'm crying again... for you, for the 6th day in a row. I'm such a loser to think you'd even care.

Not even hell can be as painful as it is now

Right... the title is self explanatory.

Note to all the readers out there. Never fall in love with your best friend.

I'm dieing in pain out here. And dieing over and over again inside there.

I had a crush on my best friend for two years now. And on the third year, I've decided, I've finally fallen in love with him. It wasn't that long since the last time I confessed. He knows doesn't he? That I love him more than the whole world? Then why does he intend to hurt me so much? I don't blame him. He loves his gf.

I've thought numerous of times to commit suicide right there. Nothing deep enough that I actually was seconds away from my death. But enough to debate on the least painful methods. This morning, I thought about my final death will. Something along the lines of:

"If someone finds this, please send the following out to the people I wish to send this to;

(his gf): Dear (name shall remain anonymous) your boyfriend (aka my best friend) is a really good guy. He wouldn't hurt you for any shit what so ever, treat him with the love he deserves, or you will regret it. He's lucky to have found someone he loves, please don't hurt him or I would never die peacefully. Thank you

(my best friend): Dear (______) There's only one thing I need to tell you, I love you, more than anything in the world."

Suicide was really high on my scales. I was prepared to do it since my parents left that morning. But then I thought, 'one final bye, just once' I waited online for him. As if on cue, he came on a few minutes after me. I told him how I felt, how much it pained me to see him together with his gf. He apologized.


Then... he told me he would break up with her if it made me happy.


I cried at that exact moment. How could I agree? I wouldn't hurt him for anything, I can't, I don't want to see him sad.


I rejected.


He told me he didn't want to see me sad. But then I thought, if he was sad, what difference does it make if I'm sad now? Better off killing one heart rather than two.


"Don't," I told him, "I rather you be happy, I'll be okay."


And with that, I sealed away my heart. Leaving all the pain inside of me. Killing me every second I live. All to say this.


Please don't be sad. I'll do anything, I'll give up my heart, Live the unbearable pain...


As long as you are happy.


I love you.

Is this just me or is love getting stupider by the second?

Well here's the first thing that I want to tell you. This isn't my first heartbreak. However, it's the first time that someone I really love, was being yelled at by me... for no reason. I feel horrible. Though I think that he wouldn't be reading this for shit in this world (btw who reads stuff for shit anyways?) To be straight forward, I've never yelled at this one person in all my life. And that person just happens to be my crush, the person I'm... utterly... in love with... (not obsessed... i think.) And last but not least, he's my best friend.

I've never yelled at him in my whole life (for the two years I've known him =P) Well, now that I think back, I didn't yell at him. I couldn't stand talking to him. Yea, I know, sounds worse eh? Yes, it was bad. But whenever I talked to him, my heart would sink and it made me more confused everytime.

I've been trying for a long time now, to stop liking him. Only because I know those feelings can not be returned, and it won't progress from where it is now. However, I can't do that anymore, no matter how hard I try. He is more to me than a friend, and you know what? I don't give a damn if he doesn't feel the same why, I'm a big girl, I can handle it.

I'm feeling miserable now because I've been acting really mean to him lately. And you know what he said yesturday when I finally talked to him?

Me: "Yea, don't you notice? I go through mood swings all the time"
Him: "Yea but not to me :("

That one line killed my heart, and now I don't know how to live with myself for ever hurting him like that. The most I can do now, is wait 'till he find someone he likes and gradually get away from this feeling, no matter how much it pains me.

Confusion

Life is full of useless ness
so tell me now, why wont you let me let go

If its not worth living
then whats wrong with wanting to leave?

Out of all people, you tell me you care
Yet all I wish, is for my feelings you share

You've been to blind to see
have u really cared for me??

I told you I love you
Now I'll tell you it was true

Was is the past,
now im confused

Do i like you now?
Or have i liked you before

Tell me what the truth is
And yet, something as simple as that,
you cant

How many people now
have told me you loved me?

And yet, me, your best friend
cant even find that out

Am i worth your time here?
If I was, won't you tell me to my face?

Won't you tell me that there's someone
that actually cares for me in the world
cuz you don't

If you read this
I'd be surprised

Im confused now
and at least you know why

If you feel the same
wont you tell me?

Instead of hiding at away from me
causing all this pain

My heart is heavy now
I wanna say good bye

But everytime I see you
I can't

I can't turn my back to you
to tell you that I'm leaving this world
without you

And now tell me
do you truly care?

To you,
it's "some girl's" feelings

To me,
it's everything

Do I like you?
I HAVE NO IDEA
NOW TELL ME URSELF

DO I?

I'm telling myself now,
that you would read it,

that you would take in mind
how I feel

But it's all lies
I know you well enough
You dont needa tell me that for me to know

But hey, we're still friends rite
that's how its meant to be and nothing more

Heys! (I'm mainly here to work on my homework) haha time to start with the past

Hey's peoples... if there's anyone out there...oh well. Yays! My birthday is coming up soon! haha. (sept.19 in case u ppl dunno. ;P) So... yea... haha today was sooo boring in science, i was actually falling asleep, (i did for a while, only to jolt back up.) Life sucks don't u agree???? Haha well i know u do, now dont deny it. I cant believe I'm actually doing this... and using apostrophes ... Hey! i used spell check! thats new. Hmwk time! hehe. Btw this is gonna go out of order cuz im gonna copy and paste it after into my first draft.... I just dunno how im gonna fit it in 1000 words... plus my future! (here's roughly something that was true and going on in my head.)

August 29th, 2008

Hey people! Well, I only started the blog so let me tell you something about myself. I started this mainly because I was bored. My name is Bonnie. (They say never to give out your full name on the internet say hey, I'll follow that rule.) I'm 12 and I'm heading to grade 8 in a few days. My family that I live with consists of my mom, my dad, and my sister, Christie. My sister is 5... well 6, (I'll never get used to saying that though she only grew a year a month ago.) I live in [{*Toronto, Canada*}]
I've never been so psyched in my life to finally get back to school. Well, nothing interesting ever happens in school, but I guess grade 7 really had a big effect on me. The best year yet! I had most of my best friends in that class, and one of the greatest teachers ever! The other grades were okay, but grade 7 was clearly the best. All that turned around, bad enough I created the saying, "Friday the 29th."
This morning, I couldn't help but feel a slight sickness in my stomach, no matter how calm I was all summer. I've been waiting up to this. My teacher was Mr.Smith, (no doubt, my grade 7 teacher told me that.) But unfortunately none of my friends are on the list next to me, the close ones at least, (horrible day part 1.)
Today was supposed to be the day that Arron Yan, my favourite Asian singer/ actor comes to Vancouver, Canada. Unfortunately, I couldn't go. Now I can't even watch it on t.v. because I just found out they're not airing it LIVE! (horrible day part 2.) And to think the only time my idol would be less than half way across the world is now, and I'm just sitting here. Oh well, I gotta go bye bye.

-BB(Bonbon/Bonnie)

xD thats how i felt b4 but w/e I'm cutting and rearranging half of this for my first draft hehe

School homework/ blog entry 1 09.08.08

Hey, so this is part of my homework too... not like anyone is reading right?... If your, message me, 'cause I'm bored. Haha well the homework part... it's for my autobiography, project, thing. Yes, this is all going up as we speak. So... nice entry isn't it? Okay then let's start.

Grade 8 (blog entry 1)
September 8th, 2008.

Well, it's me again! Grade 8 just started and well...I'm sorta, well honestly speaking, I don't know if I'm nervous or excited. Well obviously I can't wait until grad. It's gonna be awesome! (I hope.) Well that's it for now. I just hate being this age, having to sleep "early." I mean half the time I can't even fall asleep. And so, I sit there for half an hour or so reading my favourite book, "Twilight" by Stephanie Meyers, until my eyes tire out. Fun isn't it? My life isn't so interesting anyways. 9:58 pm. My parents are gonna kick me off the computer any second so I guess I better save.
Today, we had our first tryouts for volleyball (the only thing I'm looking forward to until graduation.) I think I did pretty well. I hope I make it though, nothing is better than spending hours playing the sport you love.
Well that's it for now, it's 10 o'clock, I gotta go. Bye bye!

~Bb! (Bonbon/ Bonnie)


Watcha think? That's literally going in my homework xD okay g2g bye bye.