Love Is Painful, Unfair and Irrational. So Why Am I Choosing to Endure Through This? Oh Yeah, Because I Love You.

Painful - Going through the pain of seeing you like someone else? That's bearable. But what am I so mad about? What hurts me most is that you are hurting yourself going through this. Not just emotionally, but for every breath you breathe, for every bruise, sprain and for everytime your heart beats - killing you - , it's hurting me just as well. For all the shit you take, for all the beatings you gain, it hurts me just as much as you. But never put yourself in pain for me because I'd be in pain too. Knowing I'd never have you is pain, but I'll endure it because I love you.


Unfair - Why is it that when I'm the one that's always there for you, and I'm the one loving you, supporing you through all the pain and in everythign you do, that I'm never the one that gets it in return. I'm never the one that means the most to you, and I'm never the one that you love? Beautiful that you spare a single look for me. As if! Wonderful that you're the one holding me. Yeah Right! No, it's never that I ask for anything back, it's just love. Plain, unfair, simple. You can give someone your whole life, live for them, breathe for them. Do everything in your power to make them happy, but you never expect anything back. The reason I strive through this mess of massive unfairness? Because I love you.

Irrational - Love is irrational because no matter how much you go through, and how unfair it seems, you do it because you have no other choice. I do it because I love you.

What Is Love?

And so after the many years that I actually thought I felt "love" before, I've finally been able to put this feeling in words - though it barely explains the full feeling of what is not reality, but a feeling that feels so unexplainable yet so natural and real.



Love is...



Loving a person, regardless how painful or treacherous it may be, if you truely love them, you would continue to do so without reason. And in the end, you'd never expect anything in return simply because you only want them to happy regardless how hard it is on yourself. When loving a person in one strange yet powerful way, a way in which you, yourself can not deny because the more pain or sadness that is inflicted on them, the more you get hurt. And when you've given everything you have to them, when they can't possibly mean more than your life to you because they are your life, you can't possibly expect anything in return because it doesn't matter whether you are happy or not, you just want them to be happy



Loving someone takes a simple set of requirements:

1. The feeling of love is different for everyone. These may not all apply to you.


2. Your number one priority all of a sudden is to make them happy. No it is not to provide them with what they need, but to allow them to be happy. So when giving a person what they need like helping them through the bad times, it is not the same as giving the person what they need if they are not happy with the outcome in the end.


3. If they're happy, you are simply happy regardless if the situation itself refers to you or not. This is the same for feelings such as: sad, mad, furious etc.
4. When the person you love is in pain, your instincts would too cause pain to you, not physically but in a way where when they're hurt, your heart throbs with a need to go comfort them and do anything in your power to help them out.
5. Ensuring the person is happy is number one priority, not their needs. There are no exceptions except under the circumstances that the person you love is in a life or death situation. (Refer to #2)
6. It doesn't matter whether the person causes you pain or not, and it doesn't matter if the same feelings are returned or nuetral, in the end, it all comes down to enduring what ever pain necessary as long as rules # 2 and 5 are accomplished. Yes, this includes both physical and emotional pain.
7. If the person you love, loves someone else and you decide to move on, you have never loved the person in the first place because when loving someone, it is not in your power to decide whether or not you are able to give up.
8. If the person you love, loves someone else, you encourage them to be with the person they love simply because it is a big part of completing #s 2 and 6.
9. When loving someone, you are willing to give up your life for them without second thought.
10. None of these "rules" are necessarily true for everyone, however, that is because people that are in love don't notice or shouldn't notice these things themselves because the feeling is automatic. You also wouldn't be considering these "reasons" to love someone because there is only one reason to loving someone. That would be "I love you."

"I love the way you smile, I love how you can cook, I love how your voice soothes me to sleep. But if there ever was a reason as to why I love you, the only reason would be, because I love you." - Jiro Wang

My Unspoken Words...

These were just a few things I had to write out because they're just a few things that I want to tell him...


For my dear Humzi, (my ex)

You don't know how much I've been through. You don't know hoe much I loved you. You don't know how much I had to give up for you.

I didn't want a boyfriend because I was still scared from my last break up years ago. I didn't want to go through the pain again. But I decided you were different. I gave up my heart for you.

You shattered it. You don't understand because you wouldn't have needed to trust me with your heart because I wouldn't have ever broken it the way you broke mine. I gave you my trust, you ruined it.

It's all true, I sacrificed everything for you.

• I gave you my first kiss
• I nearly lost all my friends and their trust
• I lost you as my best friend
• I lost my trust in you
• I trusted you not to hurt me
• My haert still aches when I think about you
• I gave you my love and dedicated my life to you.

I don't want to fight with you anymore as I think back of the pain you left me in. But because I loved you, and only because I wanted you to be happy, I didn't show my pain to you. I held back my tears which were already forming the second I saw you. I laughed, I smiled, I lied. I acted happy though I wasn't happy at all besides, I felt like I'd might as well be dead.

What happened to all those things you told me? I know things changed but no matter where you look, I'm the one that loves you and cares about you the most. You could've at least let me help you instead of throwing me away in the corner like that.

Everytime you told me you loved me, I told you I loved you more. You didn't believe me but now, everyone can see the truth.

And I only have one more thing to tell you. I love you and always will.

-Bonnie

Moving On Shouldn't be this Painful.... Should It?

For the past 3 weeks, I've been dating my current boyfriend, Johir. To others, it's a clear difference that I have moved on from my last break up with my ex, (because I clearly like Johir a lot.) But it's not that simple. Usually when people refer to "moving on" they refer to the pain disappearing and learning to be happy again.

Can I have a refund?

My form of "moving on" took place already but really, the pain is all still there.

I know I moved on because :

1. I mostly think and dream about Johir. (Except when I'm thinking about the past of course)
2. I used to doubt it, but now its clear, I really did develop feelings for my bf.
3. In some ways, I think a lot about the previous break up but 60% og me thinks that I shouldn't regret it because I'm with a very caring guy now that loves me a lot.
4. I'm thankful for my boyfriend. I want to be with him. When I'm missing someone, I'm missing my boyfriend not my ex.

I don't think I moved on because:

1. I care a lot about my ex, especially because he has a heart problem and barely has enough time left to enjoy life.
2. I loved / love (I'm not sure which) my ex a lot more than how much I like my boyfriend now.
3. I'm always making my boyfriend feel bad because I talk about my ex a lot.
4. The pain when I think about the past, the emptiness inside of me. I don't think any of you would understand unless you truely did love someone as much as I loved him.

So really, I don't know what is going on. But there's more to the story. I'll tell all that later.