My Theory.

Yesturday, I was listening to the song "What Hurts the Most - Rascal Flatts."

people say that in life, you wouldnt be able to see the pain until you know wat its like to have your heart broken.In some ways its easy to agree with that because it is true, emotional pain is a lot more hard and painful to deal with. If pain is physical, you can simply apply meds or anestetics to conceal it. but emotionally, the more u hide it, the more its gonna hurt you, the more it's gonna stay inside until one day, it's gonna blow.

physically, it can be repaired.

emotionally, its gonna leave a scar .

there's medicine when you have a headache, a cast when you break a bone.

but what's there when your heart is broken internally? are you going to just take it out to end the pain?
for me, having my heart broken was devasting .not even close as bad as playing volleyball, running with a fractured bone in my foot.

I'ts amazing really. The night we broke up, I woke up in the middle of the night clutching onto my stomach.

Nothing was wrong with my system. Except for the fact that I felt like my insides just disappeared. I felt so empty and alone it was painful. Nothing hurt physically but that's because it felt like nothing was there.

The next day I woke up, it felt like my lungs were gonna close up on me. Hard to breathe and everything was heavy. I recognized this feeling from before. Depression. Really, a lot of the times I can pretend to be happy. But when I have that feeling, I can't even pretend. As soon as you hit a nerve, I would burst into tears.

I don't know if it's me. But really, nothing hurt more than that. Except now that I'm able to at least endure the depression. Endure it enough that the people important to me don't needa see how much it's hurting me. Enough that I can live a day pretending to be happy.

So that's my theory.

Physical pain is nothing compared to emotional.

My Story - Part 1.

Yesturday, I've decided that venting my life out and writing it all down makes it a lot easier to sort through my mind and ever so slightly, lessen the pain (especially because the person I usually vent to isn't always there to listen to me anymore. More of inconvenience than not wanting to listen to me really. ) Of course, like yesturday, I needed music to think and a the moment, I'm listening to my MP3. "Only Look At Me" by Tae Yang. It's a beautiful song with wonderful lyrics and of course I'm too lazy to indicate every song change. (I am currently laughing at the irony of this song to my life, I'll explain later.) Well anyways, knowing my mind is complicated barely covers half of what's going on in my life. Right now, I'm just debating whether to tell about my life, my pain or changing heart. Well, let's begin.



I guess I should say that all the drama began in grade 8 (middle school) because thats how it feels like now, well the more important and melodramatic parts, yes. So anyways, the beginning of the drama was in grade 5 (my last day of elementary school.)

"Hey Bonnie, I needa tell you something. " It was my friend/ classmate Terry. I had purposely run away from him the whole recess for no reason what so ever. The bell rang. "Some other time." I told him. He caught up to me and followed.

"I like you a lot."

I stared at Terry in awe. No, it's probably another joke., I thought to myself. Anyways, that's not where the drama was.


Freddy, his best friend whom I was stuck sitting beside for 3-4 months in a row, also liked me. Thinking back, it finally hit me. It was my last day there because I was starting off my summer early and I also wasn't positive if I was going to the same middle school as them next year.

And so, after school, I told Terry I liked him (which I did like him, he was a fun and great guy) <-- I'm not so sure about now though. Haha, kidding, he's awesome. And that's how it all started.

My Mind Is Just Another Era Of Pain And Confusion.

Yes. Usually I would put up something titled along the lines of "Another Attempt Of Blogging Because Of Boredomness" but this time, I'm just gonna let you know a bit more about me. And really, at the end of all this, you wouldn't be able to understand a single word you read anyways. All you really need to know:

My mind isn't a fun and happy place.

So if you're here to read about lepricauns or something happy along those lines, either come back another time or get a new blog to visit. I warned you.

March 19, 2009

These were my exact words the time I decided to write it down (and of course a whole load of other things I wanted to write to branch off from my thoughts but I didn't have the writing speed.) :


" I was sitting in fron of the piano, jotting down notes of how I felt as I thought back of those times. My mind flows a lot more freely when I have time to think and especially during the time I'm caught in the moment playing piano. When thinking, only 10% of the time it's about the present. Less than 5% about the future, leaving 88% about the past. Meaning of course, I dream more than I hope.

A lot of times I feel like a hypocrite. I tell others, and very much try to convince myself that when in the future, I think about the past, it should be about the good memories, not the bad. And no doubt, 90% of the time, I fail to follow my own words.

There's no doubt about it, the people in the world who I hate the most are hypocrites. So when I ask myself "then what am I?" Without hesitating, my answer is "another one of them, I hate myself too."

The only places I can find refuge in, is my music. Whether playing an instrument or singing or even just merely listening to a song (even if it's not my favourite type of style,) that's the only place where I don't feel hypocritical, where I am truthful to myself (and now you guys.)"