Fifteen - Taylor Swift

Tuesday, December 22nd, 2009

"When you're fifteen,

and someone tells you they love you

You're gonna believe them"

Those were lyrics to a song I had recently been listening to many times today. The song was written and sung by country singer/songwriter Taylor Swift. I had heard of this song a few months back but never really listened to the meaning and what it was depicting. But now as I listen to Taylor's song (written in dedication to her best friend, Abigail) I realized that the song really speaks up to people and especially to teenagers at our age going through the same thing.

It makes you realize, that at a young age, and only enterring highschool, there's so much out there that you don't know about. And yes, it is the perfect time to do all that you've never done. Falling in love comes to mind. And it is true. Deep inside, you know that at his age, it's a fresh start, you could very well be regretting it in the future. But it's also that because you're at this age, taking chances is the only way through.

None of the consequences really takes place until it blows in your face and that's when you finally realize the meaning of this song.

The point being that, when you're a teenager, you're blind to many things and will always be, throughout your life. But at the same time, it's a time to take chances, just make sure you're prepared to move on afterwards.

song: "Fifteen- Taylor Swift"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pb-K2tXWK4w

Recklessness

Tuesday, December 1st, 2009

It snowed today. Barely, but still enough to be considered snow. School was normal today. Go to class, see my friends, have lunch, class and home. It is honestly strange for me to have such a constantly unchaged routine. It almost feels as if one day, something is gonna suddenly pop up behind me and ruin my life. But this undisturbed daily stunt had left me yet to wonder if life really should've been as complicated as I had made it last year.

But yet, in a way, nothing has changed. I'm still looking for love, to love and to be loved. Everyday, still working hard for the best that I can achieve while at the same time, having no idea which path I'm interested in for the future. Each day, I had seen couples here and there, emphasizing how alone I am yet at the same time, reminding me of my recklessness only less than a year ago.

To love, to be loved and to learn from love can be in both ways, the easiest and natural action to take but yet the most difficult achievement to accomplish.

Highschool (Sept09-Nov09) Part 1.

November 26th, 2009

I've been in highschool for nearly 3 months now, each day wawking up early to attend class after class and not to mention the bus rides there and back. Every day is the same routine. Up at 6, on the bus by 6:30, 1 hour and 15 minute bus ride to school (two cities away from home) attending the same four classes and home again.

The reason my school is so far is because of its music program in the northern countryside. Naturally, that area is mostly farmland unlike my homeschool which I could actually see from my bedroom window.

In that area that I'm in now, I often like to refer to it as "40km away from civilization." Which is barely an exaggeration. If I were to go to my homeschool, I could most likely walk home, eat, nap and get back to school in time for my next class. But the closest social community to our school is actually an apple farm and bakery a 10 minute walk away.

On the upside, the school's location develops a very calm and refreshing environment. After a dramtic last year of middle school with the day to day teenage life, bad boyfriends, break-ups, get togethers, having best friends backstab each other, at first I was hesitant before my audition for this school. But then I realized that music is my passion, so I gave it a go.

Now I realize that what made me endure through my audition process was that, yes, it was sacrificing to lose all my friends and all but really, it's a chance to put all the childish middle school drama behind me and though an awesome opportunity, it's also a refreshing start to walk another path. Now I don't regret anything. I have new friends along with my old, while enjoying the peace and priviledges this school had granted me. Truly I am glad this is the path I'd chosen.

Influences

Thursday, October 22nd, 2009

Needless to say, high school is a very diverse place, full of drama and well...secrets. In a way, I knew it was to be expected, I mean afterall, expect the unexpected.

In my second period geography class, there is a guy that sits beside me by the name of Ken. Now Ken is the average rebelious teenager that skips class after class on end. It wasn't until yesturday that I even knew of his existence. I never knew much about him until today. Like the general influencing family, his parents are actually devorced. I wasn't surprised. I had learened that even from my middle school, many of my classmates or friends had divorced parents.

Despite all that, I also learned that Ken lives with his step-dad and his mother. That wasn't surprising either. Though Ken is definately a nice guy and my friend and all, there's only one part I couldn't tolerate. He skips class everyday, leaving him with a 28% average as of mid-terms. Why does he skip? Smoking.

When I'd asked him how long he'd been smoking, he asked me which type of smoking. I immediately felt and knew that he wasn't the average under age smoker. As of now, needless to say, though he is still a classmate and a friend of mine, I am more than willing to spend my lunches away from him. Hopefully, I'd be able to knock some sense into him before it's too late but really, I am more than glad to be pure from the influence of smoking.

Appearances

Sunday, October 18th, 2009

So basically what happened was, me, my sister and my parents went to Pacific mall that day. Being raised in an asian heritage and all, my interests are greatly surrounded by asian media which is why I love the place.

On our way home, as we drove through the parking lot, we passed by the main enterance. The fact that there were smokers in the community didn't shock me, I had become used to seeing it. The thing that did affect me the most though, was the one who was smoking. At first, in once glance, they were merely 3 asian teenagers, maybe 2 or 3 years older than myself. But honestly, looking closer, all three were very good looking but one in particular caught my eye.

His looks were gentle and perfect to the point where I stared and gawked at him, wondering if he had a girlfriend. But then again, looking at his gerneral appearance, the cigarette in his hand, killed it. No girl would ever want a guy like that, and if they did, for what reason? What could possibly attract a girl to a smoker? Not appearance, that's for sure.

What they don't realize is that for every smoke that they inhale, it's not only others that are getting hurt but truly, you're only hurting yourself. And so, as we drove off that day, I was no longer staring at him in starstruck but in disgust.

"REFRESH"

It's finally time for me to turn around.

Honestly, I feel almost as if last year had just been another dream that I'm finally free of, nightmare if you will. But I can actually feel like I'm forgetting all of this.

Anyways, doesn't change much.

I'm still a teenage girl, wanting and dreaming for love. But on the other hand, I know what there is to do now. For the past few years of middle school, I had been charging straight ahead after anything and everything I could hang on to that had to do with being in a relationship or liking a guy.

Now I've learned to love slowly and sensibly. Because in the end, there is no use to chase after love if love can come find you no matter where you are.

I honestly feel like I've changed for the better.

As I re-read my past blogs, I feel really disoriented and sick. It was obnoxious the way I thought back then. But hey, I leave them there for a reason. Learning from the past is the only way you can walk towards the future.

Well, I haven't been posting anything much on this blog for a long time compared to my other blogs so I'm back! Hopefully, I have nothing depressing to write about anymore. You can't imagine how tired I am of DRAMA.

I guess I've come to the stage where I'd hit the refresh button on the computer, now my life is new. Updated. Informed. And unwilling to make anymore mistakes again.

I've learned to love slowly and passionately now. And I definately will from now on.

Love Is Painful, Unfair and Irrational. So Why Am I Choosing to Endure Through This? Oh Yeah, Because I Love You.

Painful - Going through the pain of seeing you like someone else? That's bearable. But what am I so mad about? What hurts me most is that you are hurting yourself going through this. Not just emotionally, but for every breath you breathe, for every bruise, sprain and for everytime your heart beats - killing you - , it's hurting me just as well. For all the shit you take, for all the beatings you gain, it hurts me just as much as you. But never put yourself in pain for me because I'd be in pain too. Knowing I'd never have you is pain, but I'll endure it because I love you.


Unfair - Why is it that when I'm the one that's always there for you, and I'm the one loving you, supporing you through all the pain and in everythign you do, that I'm never the one that gets it in return. I'm never the one that means the most to you, and I'm never the one that you love? Beautiful that you spare a single look for me. As if! Wonderful that you're the one holding me. Yeah Right! No, it's never that I ask for anything back, it's just love. Plain, unfair, simple. You can give someone your whole life, live for them, breathe for them. Do everything in your power to make them happy, but you never expect anything back. The reason I strive through this mess of massive unfairness? Because I love you.

Irrational - Love is irrational because no matter how much you go through, and how unfair it seems, you do it because you have no other choice. I do it because I love you.

What Is Love?

And so after the many years that I actually thought I felt "love" before, I've finally been able to put this feeling in words - though it barely explains the full feeling of what is not reality, but a feeling that feels so unexplainable yet so natural and real.



Love is...



Loving a person, regardless how painful or treacherous it may be, if you truely love them, you would continue to do so without reason. And in the end, you'd never expect anything in return simply because you only want them to happy regardless how hard it is on yourself. When loving a person in one strange yet powerful way, a way in which you, yourself can not deny because the more pain or sadness that is inflicted on them, the more you get hurt. And when you've given everything you have to them, when they can't possibly mean more than your life to you because they are your life, you can't possibly expect anything in return because it doesn't matter whether you are happy or not, you just want them to be happy



Loving someone takes a simple set of requirements:

1. The feeling of love is different for everyone. These may not all apply to you.


2. Your number one priority all of a sudden is to make them happy. No it is not to provide them with what they need, but to allow them to be happy. So when giving a person what they need like helping them through the bad times, it is not the same as giving the person what they need if they are not happy with the outcome in the end.


3. If they're happy, you are simply happy regardless if the situation itself refers to you or not. This is the same for feelings such as: sad, mad, furious etc.
4. When the person you love is in pain, your instincts would too cause pain to you, not physically but in a way where when they're hurt, your heart throbs with a need to go comfort them and do anything in your power to help them out.
5. Ensuring the person is happy is number one priority, not their needs. There are no exceptions except under the circumstances that the person you love is in a life or death situation. (Refer to #2)
6. It doesn't matter whether the person causes you pain or not, and it doesn't matter if the same feelings are returned or nuetral, in the end, it all comes down to enduring what ever pain necessary as long as rules # 2 and 5 are accomplished. Yes, this includes both physical and emotional pain.
7. If the person you love, loves someone else and you decide to move on, you have never loved the person in the first place because when loving someone, it is not in your power to decide whether or not you are able to give up.
8. If the person you love, loves someone else, you encourage them to be with the person they love simply because it is a big part of completing #s 2 and 6.
9. When loving someone, you are willing to give up your life for them without second thought.
10. None of these "rules" are necessarily true for everyone, however, that is because people that are in love don't notice or shouldn't notice these things themselves because the feeling is automatic. You also wouldn't be considering these "reasons" to love someone because there is only one reason to loving someone. That would be "I love you."

"I love the way you smile, I love how you can cook, I love how your voice soothes me to sleep. But if there ever was a reason as to why I love you, the only reason would be, because I love you." - Jiro Wang

My Unspoken Words...

These were just a few things I had to write out because they're just a few things that I want to tell him...


For my dear Humzi, (my ex)

You don't know how much I've been through. You don't know hoe much I loved you. You don't know how much I had to give up for you.

I didn't want a boyfriend because I was still scared from my last break up years ago. I didn't want to go through the pain again. But I decided you were different. I gave up my heart for you.

You shattered it. You don't understand because you wouldn't have needed to trust me with your heart because I wouldn't have ever broken it the way you broke mine. I gave you my trust, you ruined it.

It's all true, I sacrificed everything for you.

• I gave you my first kiss
• I nearly lost all my friends and their trust
• I lost you as my best friend
• I lost my trust in you
• I trusted you not to hurt me
• My haert still aches when I think about you
• I gave you my love and dedicated my life to you.

I don't want to fight with you anymore as I think back of the pain you left me in. But because I loved you, and only because I wanted you to be happy, I didn't show my pain to you. I held back my tears which were already forming the second I saw you. I laughed, I smiled, I lied. I acted happy though I wasn't happy at all besides, I felt like I'd might as well be dead.

What happened to all those things you told me? I know things changed but no matter where you look, I'm the one that loves you and cares about you the most. You could've at least let me help you instead of throwing me away in the corner like that.

Everytime you told me you loved me, I told you I loved you more. You didn't believe me but now, everyone can see the truth.

And I only have one more thing to tell you. I love you and always will.

-Bonnie

Moving On Shouldn't be this Painful.... Should It?

For the past 3 weeks, I've been dating my current boyfriend, Johir. To others, it's a clear difference that I have moved on from my last break up with my ex, (because I clearly like Johir a lot.) But it's not that simple. Usually when people refer to "moving on" they refer to the pain disappearing and learning to be happy again.

Can I have a refund?

My form of "moving on" took place already but really, the pain is all still there.

I know I moved on because :

1. I mostly think and dream about Johir. (Except when I'm thinking about the past of course)
2. I used to doubt it, but now its clear, I really did develop feelings for my bf.
3. In some ways, I think a lot about the previous break up but 60% og me thinks that I shouldn't regret it because I'm with a very caring guy now that loves me a lot.
4. I'm thankful for my boyfriend. I want to be with him. When I'm missing someone, I'm missing my boyfriend not my ex.

I don't think I moved on because:

1. I care a lot about my ex, especially because he has a heart problem and barely has enough time left to enjoy life.
2. I loved / love (I'm not sure which) my ex a lot more than how much I like my boyfriend now.
3. I'm always making my boyfriend feel bad because I talk about my ex a lot.
4. The pain when I think about the past, the emptiness inside of me. I don't think any of you would understand unless you truely did love someone as much as I loved him.

So really, I don't know what is going on. But there's more to the story. I'll tell all that later.

My Theory.

Yesturday, I was listening to the song "What Hurts the Most - Rascal Flatts."

people say that in life, you wouldnt be able to see the pain until you know wat its like to have your heart broken.In some ways its easy to agree with that because it is true, emotional pain is a lot more hard and painful to deal with. If pain is physical, you can simply apply meds or anestetics to conceal it. but emotionally, the more u hide it, the more its gonna hurt you, the more it's gonna stay inside until one day, it's gonna blow.

physically, it can be repaired.

emotionally, its gonna leave a scar .

there's medicine when you have a headache, a cast when you break a bone.

but what's there when your heart is broken internally? are you going to just take it out to end the pain?
for me, having my heart broken was devasting .not even close as bad as playing volleyball, running with a fractured bone in my foot.

I'ts amazing really. The night we broke up, I woke up in the middle of the night clutching onto my stomach.

Nothing was wrong with my system. Except for the fact that I felt like my insides just disappeared. I felt so empty and alone it was painful. Nothing hurt physically but that's because it felt like nothing was there.

The next day I woke up, it felt like my lungs were gonna close up on me. Hard to breathe and everything was heavy. I recognized this feeling from before. Depression. Really, a lot of the times I can pretend to be happy. But when I have that feeling, I can't even pretend. As soon as you hit a nerve, I would burst into tears.

I don't know if it's me. But really, nothing hurt more than that. Except now that I'm able to at least endure the depression. Endure it enough that the people important to me don't needa see how much it's hurting me. Enough that I can live a day pretending to be happy.

So that's my theory.

Physical pain is nothing compared to emotional.

My Story - Part 1.

Yesturday, I've decided that venting my life out and writing it all down makes it a lot easier to sort through my mind and ever so slightly, lessen the pain (especially because the person I usually vent to isn't always there to listen to me anymore. More of inconvenience than not wanting to listen to me really. ) Of course, like yesturday, I needed music to think and a the moment, I'm listening to my MP3. "Only Look At Me" by Tae Yang. It's a beautiful song with wonderful lyrics and of course I'm too lazy to indicate every song change. (I am currently laughing at the irony of this song to my life, I'll explain later.) Well anyways, knowing my mind is complicated barely covers half of what's going on in my life. Right now, I'm just debating whether to tell about my life, my pain or changing heart. Well, let's begin.



I guess I should say that all the drama began in grade 8 (middle school) because thats how it feels like now, well the more important and melodramatic parts, yes. So anyways, the beginning of the drama was in grade 5 (my last day of elementary school.)

"Hey Bonnie, I needa tell you something. " It was my friend/ classmate Terry. I had purposely run away from him the whole recess for no reason what so ever. The bell rang. "Some other time." I told him. He caught up to me and followed.

"I like you a lot."

I stared at Terry in awe. No, it's probably another joke., I thought to myself. Anyways, that's not where the drama was.


Freddy, his best friend whom I was stuck sitting beside for 3-4 months in a row, also liked me. Thinking back, it finally hit me. It was my last day there because I was starting off my summer early and I also wasn't positive if I was going to the same middle school as them next year.

And so, after school, I told Terry I liked him (which I did like him, he was a fun and great guy) <-- I'm not so sure about now though. Haha, kidding, he's awesome. And that's how it all started.

My Mind Is Just Another Era Of Pain And Confusion.

Yes. Usually I would put up something titled along the lines of "Another Attempt Of Blogging Because Of Boredomness" but this time, I'm just gonna let you know a bit more about me. And really, at the end of all this, you wouldn't be able to understand a single word you read anyways. All you really need to know:

My mind isn't a fun and happy place.

So if you're here to read about lepricauns or something happy along those lines, either come back another time or get a new blog to visit. I warned you.

March 19, 2009

These were my exact words the time I decided to write it down (and of course a whole load of other things I wanted to write to branch off from my thoughts but I didn't have the writing speed.) :


" I was sitting in fron of the piano, jotting down notes of how I felt as I thought back of those times. My mind flows a lot more freely when I have time to think and especially during the time I'm caught in the moment playing piano. When thinking, only 10% of the time it's about the present. Less than 5% about the future, leaving 88% about the past. Meaning of course, I dream more than I hope.

A lot of times I feel like a hypocrite. I tell others, and very much try to convince myself that when in the future, I think about the past, it should be about the good memories, not the bad. And no doubt, 90% of the time, I fail to follow my own words.

There's no doubt about it, the people in the world who I hate the most are hypocrites. So when I ask myself "then what am I?" Without hesitating, my answer is "another one of them, I hate myself too."

The only places I can find refuge in, is my music. Whether playing an instrument or singing or even just merely listening to a song (even if it's not my favourite type of style,) that's the only place where I don't feel hypocritical, where I am truthful to myself (and now you guys.)"

Past Present Future

Since no one is gonna read this... I'm gonna go ahead and write to my heart's content.



My ex... I'm still in love with him.

I'ts been two years now... and I'm still regretting never having said a simple word. "Sorry." And to think.... my whole list of "ifs" would grow longer than ever... my whole future would be amazing.... if I had said the simple word "sorry"

If there was no such thing as regret, then there would be no point of life. Life is all about making choices, some in which would benifit you and others which you would regret for life. In my case, maybe that one word would've changed my life forever. Maybe if I had apologized like I intended to, then I would still be loved by him forever and ever.

But now that I think about it. Time and life is unfair. If I could go back in time, then I wouldn't have to be thinking about this now. If I could go back in time, then all this regret wouldn't exist and I would be putting something a lot more happy in my blogs rather than what's happening now.

And then again, those are "ifs" and only a few in which I can come up with of the millions I have thought of before, that I'm thinking of now, and that I'd probably think of later.

If in the past, I had said that one simple word, then right now in the present, I wouldn't be typing my thoughts out this way and who knows about the future... If in the past I had said that one word, maybe I wouldn't be in the sorrow that I'm in now. And maybe the future would've been a much brighter place to look forward to.

But then again... That's all part of the "ifs"

Haru Haru (Day by Day) - Big Bang Lyrics

LeaveYeah,
Finally I realize that I am nothing without you
I was so wrong, forgive me
Ah ah ah ah~

My broken heart like a wave
My shaken heart like a wind

My heart vanished like smoke
It can’t be removed like a tattoo
I sigh deeply as if a ground is going to cave in
Only dusts are piled up in my mind(say goodbye)


Yeah, I thought I wouldn’t be able to live even one day without you
But somehow I managed to live on (longer) than I thought
You don’t answer anything as I cry out “I miss you”
I hope for a vain expectation but now it’s useless

What is it about that person next to you, did he make you cry?
Dear can you even see me, did you forget completely?
I am worried, I feel anxiety because I can’t get close nor try to talk to you
I spend long nights by myself, erasing my thoughts a thousand times

Don’t look back and leave
Don’t find me again and live (on)
Because I have no regrets from loving you,
take only the good memories
I can bear it in some way
I can stand in some way
You should be happy if you are like this
I become dull day by day (eh eh eh eh)

Oh girl I cry,cry
You’re my all, say goodbye…

If we pass by each other on the street
Act like you didn’t see me and go the way you were walking to
If you keep thinking about our past memories
I might go look for you secretly

Always be happy with him, (so)
I won’t ever get a different mind
Even smallest regret won’t be left out ever
Please live well as if I should feel jealous

You should always be like that bright sky, like that white cloud
Yes, you should always smile like that as if nothing happened

Don’t look back and leave
Don’t find me again and live (on)
Because I have no regrets from loving you, take only the good memories
I can bear it in some way
I can stand in some way
You should be happy if you are like this
I become dull day by day (eh eh eh eh)

I hope your heart fees relieved
Please forget about me and live (on)
Those tears will dry completely
As time passes by

It would’ve hurt less if we didn’t meet at all (mm)
Hope you will bury our promise of being together forever baby
I pray for you

Don’t look back and leave
Don’t find me again and live (on)
Because I have no regrets from loving you, take only the good memories
I can bear it in some way
I can stand in some way
You should be happy if you are like this
I become dull day by day (eh eh eh eh)

Oh girl I cry, cry
You’re my all, say goodbye, bye
Oh my love don’t lie, lie
You’re my heart, say goodbye









Disclaimer: I do not own any of the lyrics posted, they belong to their rightful owners (in this case, Big Bang and YG Entertainment)